And Boom Goes the Dynamite: Why I Hate Bonfire 'Night'

Warning:  What I say, I say in love and jest.  Get bent if you don't like it.

First and foremost, let me press this upon you:  Bonfire Night is NOT, contrary to its name, a single night.  It is a months-long nightmare for a hyperacusic like me.  Let me share my hell with you.

Me

So, you've seen Bridget Jones's Diary.  You know she went to Lewisham to report from the fire station on Bonfire Night and then slid down that fireman's pole.  But did you bother googling what Bonfire Night is?  No, because you're a lazy shit, am I right?  Oh but wait, you've also seen V for Vendetta, right?  Yeah.  And you think you're so cute and so clever and so British when you notice it's 5 November and you start chanting about the Gundpowder Plot.  (Newsflash:  Ain't nothin' cute, clever, or particularly British about that.  Hollywood gotcha, motherfucker.  So cut it out.)

America, you're ridiculous

Well guess what!  5 November/Guy Fawkes Day = Bonfire Night.  Except it's not always on 5 November.  The British are big into 'oh, this holiday's on a weekday?--let's shove it to a weekend and do something about it then'.  But there's no consistency since it's technically not a holiday.  So anybody can celebrate Bonfire Night aaaany fucking time they fucking please.

I've lived here for years and I've now realised Bonfire Night basically starts in September and goes through January.  Why?  Because you can buy massive bloody fireworks any time you want in this country and annoy the living piss out of your neighbours--it's way more fun in the darker month, I am left to conclude.  Where I'm from fireworks sales are extremely prohibitive.  They are only sold for a tiny window before 4 July and at that, the most powerful fireworks on sale are positively foetal compared to what my lovely British neighbours set off.

These geniuses not only don't know where they live ('basinstoke')
but they've also used the wrong aspect ratio

So, the folks in this video are seriously just dicking around with major explosives in their back yard(/garden).  At home.  With close neighbours.  But understand this--they're gonna do this every other week or so for months and months and so will about a quarter of every shitting neighbourhood in the country.  So, on any given autumn or winter night in Britain you probably won't be able to hear your television.  I know, poor me.  But I'm severely hyperacusic, so a single unexpected firework makes me feel like I'm dying.  My rage is medically justifiable.  (Also, if you have a pet, GOOD LUCK.  I have a cat.  With ears.  And claws.)

Britain, seriously--America loooooves explosives.  (Don't get me started.)  But we get it out of our system all at once in July.  Plus, what's so great about standing outside at night in the cold?  Y'all are obsessed with it.  Get it together, GB.  Anyone got earplug recommendations?

Warning:  What I say, I say in love and jest.  Get bent if you don't like it.