How the British Enjoy Punishment: An Essay on the Horribleness of British Bathrooms

Warning:  What I say, I say in love and jest.  Get bent if you don't like it.

I'm so incensed by the 'horribleness of British bathrooms' that I feel the need blog/bitch about at some length.  For your reading convenience, I've broken it down into an enumerated list.  ENJOY.

1.  TWO TAPS IN EVERY SINK

If there's a bathroom sink anywhere on this island that has a single tap, I've yet to find it.  They all look something like this:

Gee, I get to choose between frostbite OR 2nd degree burns?  Maybe both:  one for each hand!  Spoiled for choice, I say.  Honestly, Britain.  Y U NO HAVE ONE TAP WITH ADJUSTABLE WATER TEMPERATURE?  You're penchant for self-inflicting pain is cute, except when I HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT.  

2.  PULL CORD LIGHTING

Here in Blighty, the law enforces a particular quirk when it comes to bathroom lighting:  the switch must be a pull cord.  Apparently the scaredy-cat British think it's dangerous to have a traditional light switch in a bathroom.  I reckon you gotta be trying pretty damn hard to electrocute yourself or otherwise be causing damage to make that a reality.  Truly.  What?  The British do know that they can put wiring inside walls and ceilings and such.  The wires need not be IN the bath/sink/toilet.  Just sayin'.

3.  NO ELECTRICAL PLUGS

Related to 2, the lily-livered Limeys have banned themselves from installing electrical plugs/outlets in bathrooms.  I understand why you might not want to put one under a showerhead or some such, but . . . there are other places in a bathroom, y'know.  To be fair, we ARE allowed a 'shaver socket' in a bathroom, which is the most useless thing on the planet:

Honestly, British readers, do any of you ever USE this?  And . . . why the hell are you making me dry my hair in my bedroom?  Cruel bastards.  Your nanny-state is normally doesn't bother me that much, but when it extends to where I poo . . . YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR.

4.  TOILETS DON'T FLUSH (VERY WELL)

I have an ENORMOUS privilege by living in a flat in which the toilet almost always flushes on the first try.  But I remember only two (JUST TWO) public toilets in all of my 2.5 years here where I didn't have to linger for a second, third, etc., flush just to make the blimmin' toilet paper disappear.  [I will continue using the term 'toilet paper'.  'Toilet roll' is just so horrible sounding coming from an American mouth.]  I'm sorry, but . . . toilet paper is manufactured specifically to be flushed easily, etc. etc.  And YET, the British somehow managed to foul that up.  Is the plumbing in the UK just old and temperamental?  I really don't understand it.  And I have more important things to do than linger in public toilets flushing and flushing and flushing just to avoid the embarrassment/shame of whomever uses the cubicle after me.

4.B  PUSH BUTTON FLUSHING

Look at this thing:

These things abound.  Can anyone explain to me how these work?  I get you push the button to flush.  But.  There are two; they are different sizes; you can press one or both.  I've experimented but can't tell a difference.  WHAT MIND GAMES ARE YOU PLAYING WITH ME BRITAIN?

*****

Well, there are more things to be annoyed by here, but I'm growing far too angry to continue writing this without throwing my laptop.  So, here is a list of honourable mentions (and I reserve the right to blog again at a later time about MORE horribleness inflicted on the world by British bathrooms):

• Lack of shower curtain(s)
• Lack of cabinetry 
• Slugs, spiders, and all sorts of unwanted fauna (and flora, for that matter)
• Electric showers (pictured below); I still have no idea how to work one

Okay, I have to stop typing.  Next time, I lament yet another very British type of speech impediment:  widespread rhotacism.  Bye for now.

Warning:  What I say, I say in love and jest.  Get bent if you don't like it.