A Weally Weally Bwitish Way of Speaking

Warning:  What I say, I say in love and jest.  Get bent if you don't like it.

Let me say, right off the bat (AMERICA!), this post is in no way making fun of people who speak in the manner I am about to describe.  While I am lucky enough to have never spoken with a speech impediment (though, if you're British you may well feel that a western Kentucky accent is a HUGE speech impediment; piss off, if so), that doesn't mean I don't notice when other people speak in what is not considered a 'normal' or 'correct' way.  AND I'M JUST POINTING THAT OUT, ALL RIGHT?  Calm down.

Okay, so, here's what I've noticed:  the British are extremely prone to something in their speech called rhotacism.  More or less, that means one's R's come out as W's.  I'm not a linguistic expert, so get over it if you wanna tell me I'm wrong.  K?  I'M JUST HERE TO BE CURMUDGEONLY, dude.

Here, in a delicious nutshell (any time I can work in Benedict Cumberbatch, eh?), is what I'm talking about:

Jonathan Ross is probably the most famous person with rhotacism, from where I sit at least.  His twitter handle even cements his rhotacism-tastic nickname:  Wossy.  The R->W thing actually, in Wossy's case, creates a lot of hilarious moments.  He embraces it.

But . . . who else has such a speech quirk?  Well, WHO DOESN'T?  It's just such a freakishly common thing here.  WHY?  I honestly couldn't tell you.  But here's a fun little selection of people with rhotacism.  ENJOY!

I'll be honest, I have caught myself making fun of Lucy Worsley's speech.  That's beneath me.  But as an historian who does NOT respect her historical work . . . I couldn't help myself.  Sorry.  I'll be better in the future.  Pwomise.

There was a bit of a hoo-ha when Roy Hodgson was appointed because so many newspaper headlines made fun of his rhotacism.  To be honest, his isn't awfully noticeable (to me).  I think maybe he's worked to improve it.  No need though.  We're all just people, right?

To be fair, some Americans have rhotacism too.  Our most famous example is fictional though.  BOOM.  (And the only American I've ever known personally with rhotacism had it as a child, received speech therapy, and effectively got rid of it.)

I genuinely don't know why the British tend to get all Bwitish.  In fairness, it is a small minority of British people who do this.  So if you're British and reading this, don't get all uppity on me.  Also, I've noticed that rhotacism seems far more common in the southeast and in/around London.  Is that just me?  I'd say that the young uns in south and east London (where I do a lot of research) have a ridiculously high rate of rhotacism.  Just saying.

Okay, this post has not had nearly enough vitriol.  I'll remedy that next time with a hitlist of Things I Wish The British Didn't Do.  There are so many of these Things that this will likely be the first instalment of many.  I mean, I love you Britain but FUCK ME you get on my nerves sometimes.  

Bonus:  I can't leave this post without posting my favouwite example of rhotacism ever:  

Warning:  What I say, I say in love and jest.  Get bent if you don't like it.

How the British Enjoy Punishment: An Essay on the Horribleness of British Bathrooms

Warning:  What I say, I say in love and jest.  Get bent if you don't like it.

I'm so incensed by the 'horribleness of British bathrooms' that I feel the need blog/bitch about at some length.  For your reading convenience, I've broken it down into an enumerated list.  ENJOY.

1.  TWO TAPS IN EVERY SINK

If there's a bathroom sink anywhere on this island that has a single tap, I've yet to find it.  They all look something like this:

Gee, I get to choose between frostbite OR 2nd degree burns?  Maybe both:  one for each hand!  Spoiled for choice, I say.  Honestly, Britain.  Y U NO HAVE ONE TAP WITH ADJUSTABLE WATER TEMPERATURE?  You're penchant for self-inflicting pain is cute, except when I HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT.  

2.  PULL CORD LIGHTING

Here in Blighty, the law enforces a particular quirk when it comes to bathroom lighting:  the switch must be a pull cord.  Apparently the scaredy-cat British think it's dangerous to have a traditional light switch in a bathroom.  I reckon you gotta be trying pretty damn hard to electrocute yourself or otherwise be causing damage to make that a reality.  Truly.  What?  The British do know that they can put wiring inside walls and ceilings and such.  The wires need not be IN the bath/sink/toilet.  Just sayin'.

3.  NO ELECTRICAL PLUGS

Related to 2, the lily-livered Limeys have banned themselves from installing electrical plugs/outlets in bathrooms.  I understand why you might not want to put one under a showerhead or some such, but . . . there are other places in a bathroom, y'know.  To be fair, we ARE allowed a 'shaver socket' in a bathroom, which is the most useless thing on the planet:

Honestly, British readers, do any of you ever USE this?  And . . . why the hell are you making me dry my hair in my bedroom?  Cruel bastards.  Your nanny-state is normally doesn't bother me that much, but when it extends to where I poo . . . YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR.

4.  TOILETS DON'T FLUSH (VERY WELL)

I have an ENORMOUS privilege by living in a flat in which the toilet almost always flushes on the first try.  But I remember only two (JUST TWO) public toilets in all of my 2.5 years here where I didn't have to linger for a second, third, etc., flush just to make the blimmin' toilet paper disappear.  [I will continue using the term 'toilet paper'.  'Toilet roll' is just so horrible sounding coming from an American mouth.]  I'm sorry, but . . . toilet paper is manufactured specifically to be flushed easily, etc. etc.  And YET, the British somehow managed to foul that up.  Is the plumbing in the UK just old and temperamental?  I really don't understand it.  And I have more important things to do than linger in public toilets flushing and flushing and flushing just to avoid the embarrassment/shame of whomever uses the cubicle after me.

4.B  PUSH BUTTON FLUSHING

Look at this thing:

These things abound.  Can anyone explain to me how these work?  I get you push the button to flush.  But.  There are two; they are different sizes; you can press one or both.  I've experimented but can't tell a difference.  WHAT MIND GAMES ARE YOU PLAYING WITH ME BRITAIN?

*****

Well, there are more things to be annoyed by here, but I'm growing far too angry to continue writing this without throwing my laptop.  So, here is a list of honourable mentions (and I reserve the right to blog again at a later time about MORE horribleness inflicted on the world by British bathrooms):

• Lack of shower curtain(s)
• Lack of cabinetry 
• Slugs, spiders, and all sorts of unwanted fauna (and flora, for that matter)
• Electric showers (pictured below); I still have no idea how to work one

Okay, I have to stop typing.  Next time, I lament yet another very British type of speech impediment:  widespread rhotacism.  Bye for now.

Warning:  What I say, I say in love and jest.  Get bent if you don't like it.

6th, Sixth, S-I-X-T-H: England, ARE YOU LISTENING?

Warning:  What I say, I say in love and jest.  Get bent if you don't like it.
So, I promised in this edition of listen-to-an-American-bitch my blog that I'd tackle that thorny issue . . . correct the English when they can't properly speak their own language.  That's hella awkward, so let's get right to it.  

I first noticed this a while back when I was watching a BBC series on the history of British kings.  The presenter of the programme continuously referred to Henry VI (Henry the Sixth) as Henry the Sixh.  That's not a typo.  SIXH.  I thought, maybe this woman has a speech impediment.  She kept saying sixh.  Like, the -th sound is gone and there's just a bit of an aspirated H at the end of six.  Sixh.  What is that?

But lo, there was the presenter, interviewing someone who ALSO says SIXH.  They're not related; they're not from the same place; there's no reason they should both have the speech impediment.  

The Dr Janina Ramirez goes 'SIXH'; so does her friend

So, that was that and I forgot about it quickly enough.  Some months later, I overheard someone in a shop, from yet another part of England, using the adjective 'sixh'.  Except . . . she meant 'sixth'.  WHY, ENGLAND, WHYYYY?!

The more and more I paid attention to the way people talked, the more I realised everyone here says 'sixh' instead of 'sixth'.  Well, that's not strictly true.  I have heard a few interesting accidents that render it something more like 'sith' rather than 'sixh' or the actual word 'sixth'.

Now, let me point to that most English of English institutions:  the Oxford English Dictionary.  Here is what they say about this ordinal:  

s - i - x - th

IPA	Sounds like
s	s	as in see
ɪ	i	as in pit, hill
ks	x	as in oxen
θ	th	as in thin, bath

Okay, English-friends.  Take a moment to soak that in.  Take another moment to say 'sixth' out loud.  What have you said?  If you've not said as the bloody OED has said it . . . I got news for you.  YOU'RE SAYING IT WRONG. 

And if you think that's too formal of a parameter to be followed in casual conversation, look what the BBC says:  it's INCORRECT.  (To be fair, they render it as 'sikth', which is basically the same as what I'm arguing.)

Now, if someone wants to get fussy and tell me I'm too prescriptivist and that English is a language that's meant to be experimented with, etc etc, then you can fuck the fuck off as far as I'm concerned.  'Cause, if you've actually paid attention to the way I write you'd know I pay very little heed to the supposed rules of proper English.  BUT THERE IS NOT A QUESTION WHEN IT COMES TO HOW TO SAY 'SIXTH'.  Okay?  It's pretty straightforward.  Get on it, England, AND SORT THIS OUT.

Yeah?  

Yeah.

So, next time, I'll lament the pitiful state of British bathrooms.  Seriously, why do they suck so bad?  You people ran an empire but you can't make a bathroom worth a shit.  (SWIDT?)Warning:  What I say, I say in love and jest.  Get bent if you don't like it.